This is the time of year for giving out awards. The Grammys were last week, handing out the best of music awards. Sunday will celebrate the best of movies with the Academy Awards. I love awards shows.
I, myself, have never won an award. Well, actually that is not true. In college I worked at Sears and won employee of the month. It was called the ‘Customer Service’ award. Neat huh? But aside from my prestigious Sears award, I have won nothing else.
I have been nominated for the ‘Best Parent Award’ several times. Sadly, I never win the top honors. The reason I don’t win? I am at times a lousy parent. It may come a shock to some of my fans, but it is true. There are times when my parenting is poor. More than poor, it is lousy.
Wondering what it takes to screw up the top honors for ‘Best Parent’? Here is a few things I do or have done to destroy my chances of winning.
I lie to my kids. I do it because I am trying to not get in trouble. It is bad. I know it is bad and yet…
“Mom, do you know what happened the donut I was saving. I left it on top of the fridge.” – Tall Boy
“Donut? Was there a donut on top of the refrigerator? Um, oh…yeah. The ants got to it and I had to throw it away.” – Mom (wiping crumbs from her mouth)
Call my kids names
I love nicknames. I call my boys sweet nicknames all the time: buddy, sweetie, pumpkin, boo, flouncy. But sometimes I call the boys mean names. Usually, it is when they are making me nuts and I want them to know it.
“Stop being a jerk”
“You act like a brat sometimes.”
“You are a bully.”
“When you whine, you sound like a big baby.”
“Are you trying to be an idiot?”
Let my kids watch inappropriate TV
My children watch far less TV than the average child, but there I times I let them watch things they shouldn’t.
“Momma, can I watch Mythbusters? I want to watch the episode called, ‘Boomerang Bullet’.” – Little Boy
“Of course darling. But only this once.” – Mom
Feed crap to the kids
I do not usually say words like crap, but the name describes best the horrendous foods I have fed my boys over the years. Here are some of the heart clogging, sugar laced and cancerous foods I have allowed my boys to eat.
Nitrate nightmares: Costo hot dogs and spam
Hormone laced and cage raised: chicken, beef and pork
Sugar spiked drinks: soda, slurpee and red bull
Trans fat troubles: Hostess Fruit Pies (By the way, it was my husband who did the honor of buying these)
Send a child to bed without dinner
I have only done this a few times. If there is excessive complaining about what is served for dinner, I tell the person to leave the table. I do this when I have had enough whining for the day.
See. I told you I was a lousy parent. But what can I say, this is the real me…human.
I really wanted to win some sort of award this year, for something. I guess parenting will not be it.
Hmm…maybe I could win for “Best Wife” award?
I think I will make pork ribs for dinner with Hostess Fruit Pies for dessert.