Insanity of Motherhood

Motherhood, marriage, and midlife.

The Mystery of the TP


“But it is the mystery of life that sustains me now.” – Nick Nolte

There are five people who live in my house.  My home has only one bathroom.  Coordinating all the personal grooming and toilet needs of the family is challenging.  We must all work together so everyone can get things done…personal things.

Recently, I went into the bathroom and came across a situation.  See below.

This is not the first time for the situation.  As a matter of fact, this situation happens all the time.  Far too often, if you ask me.  And usually, I am the one to correct it.

Viewing the situation, I decided to investigate.  I wanted to find out who was responsible and have them make the needed correction.

It was time to solve the Mystery of the Toilet Paper.

Investigations are serious business.  After doing a little research, I knew what to do.

Steps for Solving a Mystery

1.  Find a mystery.

This part is done.  The mystery is finding out who is responsible for using the last bit of toilet paper and did not replace the roll.

2.  Search the crime scene.

There is nothing really criminal about the situation, but is should be.  All I could see at the crime scene, was the missing toilet paper and a few Lego guys.  This rules me out of the crime, because I don’t play with Lego guys.  Everyone else in the home does, including my husband.

3.  Wear a disguise.

Investigators must not be obvious.  I needed to find something natural looking, yet disguises myself from my normal role as mom.  I put on a baseball hat.

4.  Interview people.

This is the most important step of the investigation.  Interviewing the possible suspects must be done carefully, without accusing anyone directly of the crime.

“Hey, who forgot to replace the toilet paper roll?” – M0m

“Were you the last person in the bathroom?  I saw some Lego guys.  You love playing with Lego’s.” – Mom

“It wasn’t me, Mom.  I have not gone to the bathroom today.  Well, at least not needing toilet paper.” – Unidentified boy.

“What?  That’s gross.  You need to be eating more fiber in your diet.” – Mom

“Were you the last one to use the toilet paper?” – Mom

“Momma, you are the one who wipes my butt.  You tell me.” – Unidentified boy

“Oh yes.  That’s right.  Okay, I will ask someone else.” – Mom

“All right.  How about you?  Did you use the last of the toilet paper?” – Mom

“Mom, why are you so weird?  No, it was not me.” – Unidentified boy

“I am not weird.  This is important.  Going to the bathroom without toilet paper is horrible.  Someone used the last of it and they must replace the roll.” – Mom

“You are the last person I need to interview.  Where were you today?  Did you go to the bathroom, use toilet paper and use the last of it?  If you did, why did you not replace the roll?” – Mom

“I refuse to answer the questions.  I want a lawyer first.” – Unidentified man.

“Lawyer?  I think I found my suspect.” – Mom

“Asking for a lawyer does not make me the suspect.  I am just protecting my rights.” – Unidentified man.

Well, the investigation did not go well.  After conducting the interviews, I still had no idea who used the last of the toilet paper and did not replace the roll.

I am the lone woman in this house.  Toilet paper is essential to me.  For years I have had to deal with the ’empty roll’ situation.  There must be a way to get the family to recognize the seriousness of this issue.

5.  The video camera.

This step could be the solution to solving the mystery once and for all.  However, it could be tricky, dangerous and very disgusting.

Forget it. The investigation is too much work and starting to gross me out.

I will just replace the darn toilet paper roll myself.

Author: insanityofmotherhood

Mom of three boys, wife, educator, and all around nice gal in the middle of a midlife something. It's not a crisis, but it's something…

7 thoughts on “The Mystery of the TP

  1. Haha! Bad luck on not finding your culprit, but it made for a very entertaining read 😀

  2. I solved this problem a long time ago. When I see the roll running down I open a second roll and put it on the back of the toilet bowl. If the last person to use the roll does not replace it, At least there is one roll within reach. Paula

  3. If it is any comfort, we have the same situation at my house, and there are only 2 people living here. Most mysterious.

  4. There is an old joke that goes like this: How many many does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
    Answer: No one knows. It’s never been done.

  5. hilarious – loved this one we can all relate!

  6. Hahahaha! Laughter is so good for the soul! Love this blog!!
    Thanks for making my day! 🙂

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