Anything Worse

 

A conversation between a mother and a teenage son.

Mother walks into family room and sees teenage son lying on the couch.

“Hey. Would you mind finding another place to read your magazine? Dad and I want to watch a movie.” – Mom

“I want to watch a movie too. What movie is it?” – Tall Boy

“The movie is called Her, by Spike Jonez. I’ve already seen it, but Dad hasn’t.” – Mom

“I heard that movie was good. Can I watch it with you guys?” – Tall Boy

“No. I want to watch it alone with Dad. Besides the movie has a masturbation scene. Do you want to watch a scene about masturbation with your mom sitting next to you?” – Mom

“I can’t think of anything worse. I’ll pass on the movie.” – Tall Boy

“Good choice.” – Mom

Photo Friday – Sums It Up

On our recent vacation to Ireland each member of my family had a different perspective of what made the trip fun.  My husband and I enjoyed everything, especially driving the countryside and seeing the landscapes.  Little Boy enjoyed exploring, taking photographs, and recording videos with his camera.  The teenagers enjoyed…well, this video pretty much sums up the teen boys experience.

Video created by Little Boy.

 

Happy parents, adventurous little boy and two grumpy teenagers…the story of my life.

20 Questions

I love fashion magazines.  My favorite fashion magazine is Marie Claire.  My oldest sister has subscribed me to the magazine for years.  Marie Claire is a high fashion magazine. It shares ideas for how to put together a fabulous outfit, as well as what the make up trends are, and usually features a high-profile celebrity on the cover.

One of my favorite sections of the magazine is in the very back.  On the last page there is always a section titled, 20 Questions.  It features an interview with a celebrity consisting of 20 questions.  The way the celebs answer the questions always cracks me up.  The answers are so prepared.  No one I know answers questions the way celebrities do.

Today I thought I would answer the March issues’ 20 Question section myself.  You could pick up a copy of the magazine and read Sarah Jessica Parker’s responses, but you already know everything about her.  My answers will be the real deal.  No pre-preparing ahead of time.

20 Questions

What brings you the greatest joy?

My husband.  I would have said my children, but they make me nuts sometimes. Besides my husband is the one who helped me create my kids.

What are your vices?

Wine and lipstick.  They go together.  You drink wine and the lipstick stays on the glass, so you have to reapply.

What is on your nightstand?

I don’t have one.  I have my husband’s dresser that is covered with books I never have time to read.

What is your greatest indulgence?

Eating out.  I love eating out. I would be happy to never eat a meal cooked by me again.

What should every woman try at least once in her life?

A Brazilian wax.  Just kidding.  No one should ever try that.  I think every woman should travel out of their country.

What makes me laugh?

My kids.  My boys are funny guys.  They make me laugh almost as much as they make me yell.

What is the one thing people would be surprised to know about you?

If I could do a career do over I would be involved in the theater. I was a theater minor in college and loved it.

What is on your bucket list?

I have so many things on my list, but the top of the list would be travel to Chile and be a grandmother.

What is on your feet right now?

Boots and yellow socks.

How did you make your first dollar?

I sold Burpee seeds to neighbors as a kid.  I walked door to door selling seeds.  I did pretty well too.  I made three bucks.

What superstition to do you believe in?

If you throw away a good photo of someone you love, something bad will happen to them.

What items in your closet do you wear the most?

Jeans.  I have over 10 pairs of jeans.  I love denim in an unusual way.

What is the best gift you have ever received?

My boys.  I love them so, so much.  They have brought me more joy than any material item I have every owned.

What is on your liquor shelf?

Nothing.  I don’t have a liquor shelf.

What is on your kitchen counter?

Dirty dishes from breakfast.  I decided to write a blog instead of clean the kitchen today.

What would you never leave home without?

Lipstick or lip gloss.  I can’t function without color or moisture on my lips.

What movie has the greatest ending?

Shawshank Redemption.  This movie is one of my all time favorites.  The ending is perfect.

Who is on your guest list for dinner?

My siblings and their spouses, in-laws, my father and his wife, the boys godparents, former neighbors, parents of the boys’ friends from school, former roommate and his girlfriend, childhood friend and her family, my boys, and Bette Midler.   Bette would be the entertainment.

What is the one thing you wish you had known when you were younger?

Stop holding onto anger and move on.  I wasted too much time in my youth being upset with people.

Five Questions I Wish People Would Stop Asking

The older I get the more easily annoyed I become.  Few are things more annoying than people asking questions that are none of their business.  People don’t mean to be rude.  They usually are just curious or want to engage in conversation.  I hate to sound like the grumpy, middle-aged woman, but a there are a few questions I will no longer answer so don’t bother to ask.

Five questions to stop asking me

1.  Where are you from?

People ask me this because I have a speech impairment and they can’t quite figure out why.  They assume I am from some place exotic that they have never heard of, but the reality is I speak the way I hear.  I don’t hear all the sounds of the alphabet, so I don’t pronounce them all.  When you ask where they are from it distracts from the conversation.  If someone wants to share why they speak in a different dialect they will.  If they don’t, assume they don’t want to talk about it.

2.  Do you know sign language?

Another question referring to my hearing impairment.  I don’t know sign language and it’s silly to assume all people who wearing hearing aids know sign language.  I’m not a representative for the entire hard-of-hearing community because I wear hearing aids.  Not every person whose last name is Gomez knows Spanish.  We shouldn’t assume people know things by association.

3.  Are you planning to have another baby?

I am turning fifty this year.  50.  I don’t know anyone who is pregnant at fifty, do you?  This is such a silly question.  I suppose I should be flattered that people think I look young enough to have another baby at my old age, but I’m not flattered.  I have no plans to have another baby in my life unless it’s grandchild.  By the way, I don’t miss having a girl either (another annoying question).

4.  Will you adopt another pet?

The answer to this question is no.  My sweet dog passed away not long ago and I miss her.  But my husband and I made the decision before she died that we wouldn’t have any new pets in our life.  We have a snake and fish and when they die they won’t be replaced.  People love their pets and find the idea of not having them in their home difficult to grasp.  I have enough responsibilities.  I don’t want the responsibility of an animal.  I have friends and family who have chosen not to have children and my husband and I have chosen no more pets.  It’s not happening folks.

5.  Have you gone through menopause?

I was asked this question yesterday by someone I hardly knew.  I didn’t answer.  I supposed she assumed I was because I refused to talk about my hot flashes, weight gain, mood swings, and memory loss.  Really?  Is this an appropriate question to ask someone you don’t know?  Why would I share such a personal thing?  By the way, I am premenopausal if you must know.  Things are still happening, but not as often.  This conversation is officially over.

I’m sure you have questions that bother you when asked.  Things like, “Are you pregnant?”, “Have you considered plastic surgery?”, “Do you plan like being married?”, and “Does it bother you that you aren’t as thin as you used to be?”  Hopefully, when you are asked these awkward questions you handle them with grace because I no longer do.

As a middle age woman I see it as my right to no longer answer questions that make me uncomfortable.  Please keep this in mind when you meet me in person.  I will however always answer how old I am.  I’m proud of my age and will always answer the question the same way…

I am 49 years old, so don’t mess with me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Carry On

A conversation between a wife and a husband.

Wife walks into kitchen.   Husband is sitting at kitchen table reading the newspaper.

“Why is the sugar bowl on the counter? – Wife

“I guess somebody used sugar this morning.” – Husband

“Well, somebody leaves the sugar bowl on the counter almost everyday. They also leave a dirty spoon and sprinkle sugar everywhere.” – Wife

“Yes, somebody does.  I don’t put sugar in my coffee and the boys don’t use sugar.” – Husband

“What do you mean?” – Wife

“I mean somebody uses sugar in her coffee every morning, leaves out the sugar bowl, leaves a dirty spoon, and sprinkles sugar everywhere.” – Husband

“Oh.  I see.  You don’t put sugar in your coffee?” – Wife

“No.” – Husband

“Okay.” – Wife

“That’s all you have to say?” – Husband

“Carry on folks.  Mystery solved.” – Wife

“And…” – Husband

“Sorry.” – Wife (Sigh)

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Between

A conversation between a husband and a wife.

“Sweetie, do you ever feel like something is between us?” – Wife

Yeah, sometimes.  But luckily it’s something small and I don’t feel it all the time.  Usually only at night.” – Husband

“Should we be worried?  I mean, what if this “something” never leaves?  Won’t it affect our relationship?” – Wife

“There’s no reason to worry.  It won’t be this way forever.  As a matter of fact someday we may actually miss it.” – Husband

“It hurts sometimes and keeps me up at night.  I miss being closer to you.” – Wife

“I miss you too.  The situation is only temporary.  Only a little while longer.” – Husband

“I suppose you’re right.  I won’t worry anymore.” – Wife

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Joy

A few days ago I ordered some Halloween items online.  Halloween is over, but I snagged a few things half off for next year.

When the package arrived Little Boy could not contain his excitement.  At first he was thrilled thinking the big box was a present for him, but after we emptied the box he realized it was the box itself that was the real present.

We have had the box for over a week and the fun continues.

Box1

Box2 Box3 Box4

The joy of a little boy and his big cardboard box.