The Center of The Universe

A conversation between a mother and a little boy.

Mother is cleaning the kitchen.  Mother looks at the kitchen table.

“Hey, who made the big mess on the kitchen table?” – Mother

Silence.  Mother glances in living room and sees little boy.

“Did you make the mess on the table?” – Mother

“Maybe.” – Little Boy

“What do you mean maybe?” – Mother

Mother walks over to kitchen table.

“These look like your pens and markers.  Someone has been drawing.” – Mother

Mother looks a one of the drawings.

“This has your name on it.  Did you draw it?” – Mother

“Maybe.” – Little Boy

Mother looks closely at the drawing.

“What is the drawing about?” – Mother

“It’s about our family.  First there was you and then daddy.  Then came my big brothers and then came me.” – Little Boy

“Oh.” – Mother

“You are the center of the universe.  You are beginning of it all.” – Little Boy

Mother smiles.

“I’m the center of the universe?  I’ll clean up the mess on the table.” – Mother

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The Power of One Little Word

A conversation between a mother and a teenage son.

Mother and son engage in a conversation.  Mother discusses conversation held with son earlier in the day.

I’m disappointed in the way you handled my simple request this morning.  Your response was very self-centered.” – Mother

“I was in a hurry.  I didn’t have time to help you out.” – Tall Boy

“Yes, you did.  You had time.  I asked you help me with something that was important to me.  I was emotional and needed to know I could count on you.” – Mother

” I know.” – Tall Boy

“Remember to think of others as often as you think of yourself.  Your feelings are important, but so are other people’s.  Hearing how ill my dad is very hard.  I need to know you will support me when times are tough.  I need to know you will be the loving son I’ve raised you to be.” – Mother

“I’m sorry, Mom.  I know things have been hard for you lately.  I love you SO much.” – Tall Boy

Teenage son walks over to mother and gives her a hug.

“I’ve never heard you say that to me before.” – Mother

“Never say what?” – Tall Boy

“Say you love me SO much.” – Mother

“I tell you I love you all the time.” – Tall Boy

“You tell me you love me, but I’ve never heard you say you love me SO much.” – Mother

“I say it everyday I guess just not out loud.” – Tall Boy

Mother smiles.

“I love you SO much too.” – Mother

One little word can change everything.

 

 

The Joy

A conversation between a mother and a little boy.

Mother and little boy are walking in a store.

Momma,  I’m tired.  Would you carry me?” – Little Boy

“Aren’t you a little too big to be carried around?  You were fifty pounds the last time we weighed you.” – Mother

“Fifty pounds isn’t that heavy.  You work out. You’re strong.  You’re an ox, Momma.” – Little Boy

“An ox?  Thanks…I think.  I may be strong, but you are a big guy now.  You’re seven years old.” – Mother

“Seven isn’t that old.  I can’t drive a car or watch Harry Potter films.” – Little Boy

“I know you aren’t that old, but still won’t you feel strange having your mom carry you around in the store?” – Mother

“No.” – Little Boy

“No?  Really?” – Mother

“No.  When you carry me around I get to rest for a bit and I am closer to you.  It makes me happy.  What’s more important than making your son happy?” – Little Boy

Mother is silent for a moment.

“Come here.” – Mother

Mother picks up little boy in her arms.

See.  it’s not so bad, right?” – Little Boy

“My arms hurt.  You’re heavy.” – Mother

“The pain won’t last forever, Momma.  Someday you’ll miss being able to carry me around in your arms.” – Little Boy

The joy of a seven-year old boy.

 

 

Eww

 

 

A conversation between a mother, a father, two teenage boys, and a little boy.

Mother walks in to kitchen and sees teenage boy looking for food in pantry and little boy at kitchen table.  Little boy is pouring water into several containers.

“What are you doing?” – Mother

“Getting something to eat.”- Tall Boy

“Not you.  Your little brother.  What is going on with all the water containers?  What are you doing?” – Mother

“I’m being a scientist.  I am seeing what kinds of things can freeze in water.” – Little Boy

“Oh.  Being a scientist is good, but it sure is messy.  Here’s a towel to wipe up some of the water.” – Mother

Mother hands towel to little boy.

“It would be really cool is if we could freeze different types of liquid.  I bet we could freeze pee.” – Little Boy

“Eww.” – Tall Boy

“Why would you want to freeze pee?” – Mother

“Because it’s a liquid, Mom.  We have to see if all liquids freeze.” – Little Boy

Old Boy walks into the kitchen.

What are you guys talking about?” – Old Boy

“Freezing pee.” – Tall Boy

“Ha, ha.  You guys are weird.  If you freeze pee you could make ice cubes and serve them in drinks when friends come over to visit.” – Old Boy

“Yeah.  You could tell everyone it’s lemonade, if you add a little sugar.” – Tall Boy

“Ha, ha.” – Old Boy, Little Boy and Tall Boy

Father walks into the kitchen.

What is so funny?’ – Father

“The Y chromosome you added to our children is acting up again.” – Mother

Anything Worse

 

A conversation between a mother and a teenage son.

Mother walks into family room and sees teenage son lying on the couch.

“Hey. Would you mind finding another place to read your magazine? Dad and I want to watch a movie.” – Mom

“I want to watch a movie too. What movie is it?” – Tall Boy

“The movie is called Her, by Spike Jonez. I’ve already seen it, but Dad hasn’t.” – Mom

“I heard that movie was good. Can I watch it with you guys?” – Tall Boy

“No. I want to watch it alone with Dad. Besides the movie has a masturbation scene. Do you want to watch a scene about masturbation with your mom sitting next to you?” – Mom

“I can’t think of anything worse. I’ll pass on the movie.” – Tall Boy

“Good choice.” – Mom

Five Questions I Wish People Would Stop Asking

The older I get the more easily annoyed I become.  Few are things more annoying than people asking questions that are none of their business.  People don’t mean to be rude.  They usually are just curious or want to engage in conversation.  I hate to sound like the grumpy, middle-aged woman, but a there are a few questions I will no longer answer so don’t bother to ask.

Five questions to stop asking me

1.  Where are you from?

People ask me this because I have a speech impairment and they can’t quite figure out why.  They assume I am from some place exotic that they have never heard of, but the reality is I speak the way I hear.  I don’t hear all the sounds of the alphabet, so I don’t pronounce them all.  When you ask where they are from it distracts from the conversation.  If someone wants to share why they speak in a different dialect they will.  If they don’t, assume they don’t want to talk about it.

2.  Do you know sign language?

Another question referring to my hearing impairment.  I don’t know sign language and it’s silly to assume all people who wearing hearing aids know sign language.  I’m not a representative for the entire hard-of-hearing community because I wear hearing aids.  Not every person whose last name is Gomez knows Spanish.  We shouldn’t assume people know things by association.

3.  Are you planning to have another baby?

I am turning fifty this year.  50.  I don’t know anyone who is pregnant at fifty, do you?  This is such a silly question.  I suppose I should be flattered that people think I look young enough to have another baby at my old age, but I’m not flattered.  I have no plans to have another baby in my life unless it’s grandchild.  By the way, I don’t miss having a girl either (another annoying question).

4.  Will you adopt another pet?

The answer to this question is no.  My sweet dog passed away not long ago and I miss her.  But my husband and I made the decision before she died that we wouldn’t have any new pets in our life.  We have a snake and fish and when they die they won’t be replaced.  People love their pets and find the idea of not having them in their home difficult to grasp.  I have enough responsibilities.  I don’t want the responsibility of an animal.  I have friends and family who have chosen not to have children and my husband and I have chosen no more pets.  It’s not happening folks.

5.  Have you gone through menopause?

I was asked this question yesterday by someone I hardly knew.  I didn’t answer.  I supposed she assumed I was because I refused to talk about my hot flashes, weight gain, mood swings, and memory loss.  Really?  Is this an appropriate question to ask someone you don’t know?  Why would I share such a personal thing?  By the way, I am premenopausal if you must know.  Things are still happening, but not as often.  This conversation is officially over.

I’m sure you have questions that bother you when asked.  Things like, “Are you pregnant?”, “Have you considered plastic surgery?”, “Do you plan like being married?”, and “Does it bother you that you aren’t as thin as you used to be?”  Hopefully, when you are asked these awkward questions you handle them with grace because I no longer do.

As a middle age woman I see it as my right to no longer answer questions that make me uncomfortable.  Please keep this in mind when you meet me in person.  I will however always answer how old I am.  I’m proud of my age and will always answer the question the same way…

I am 49 years old, so don’t mess with me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Carry On

A conversation between a wife and a husband.

Wife walks into kitchen.   Husband is sitting at kitchen table reading the newspaper.

“Why is the sugar bowl on the counter? – Wife

“I guess somebody used sugar this morning.” – Husband

“Well, somebody leaves the sugar bowl on the counter almost everyday. They also leave a dirty spoon and sprinkle sugar everywhere.” – Wife

“Yes, somebody does.  I don’t put sugar in my coffee and the boys don’t use sugar.” – Husband

“What do you mean?” – Wife

“I mean somebody uses sugar in her coffee every morning, leaves out the sugar bowl, leaves a dirty spoon, and sprinkles sugar everywhere.” – Husband

“Oh.  I see.  You don’t put sugar in your coffee?” – Wife

“No.” – Husband

“Okay.” – Wife

“That’s all you have to say?” – Husband

“Carry on folks.  Mystery solved.” – Wife

“And…” – Husband

“Sorry.” – Wife (Sigh)

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