Years ago when I started my blog I told myself I would express myself freely. What that meant was expressing my thoughts about mothering and being in midlife without worrying what the reading public thought of me.
During the last two years I have written about almost every aspect of my life. Most things have been humorous, but some have been personal and painful. Writing my blog has allowed me a way to put to words my feelings dealing with emotions I am going through.
The blog has been a healing activity for me. At times it’s been challenging to write my strong emotions in a way that doesn’t make readers think I’m nuts, but after writing a difficult blog I always felt better.
Lately I’ve had difficulty writing. It’s not for lack of things to say because I ALWAYS have something on my mind. It’s because of my new job. I’m now on someone else’s payroll and I feel the need to speak less about the personal life. I feel as if I have a little person sitting on my shoulder whispering to me, “You shouldn’t say that.” or “Be careful. Your words may be misinterpreted.”
It makes me sad limiting what I can say on my blog. It feels restrictive and uncomfortable. Being able to write freely has ‘freed’ me. I often write about things I don’t have the courage to say in person. I’ve felt healthier emotionally since I’ve started writing. I’m nervous I will revert back to my old ways of being overly concerned what people think of me.
Maybe I’m worrying too much about what I write, but I don’t want to risk it. I’d like to share about being out of the workforce for so long and adjusting to the changes. What I am going through is hard. Seventeen years are a long time to be out of the professional workforce. So much has changed.
Like anything new there will be challenges and adjustments. It may take a while for me to decide what is okay to discuss on the blog and what is not.
However, I don’t think writing will be the same. For over two years I expressed myself with a vulnerability I no longer feel able to do.
Maybe a little time is all I need. Time to help me through this period of adjustment.
I’ll let you know how it goes.