My Darling Boys,
It has been a while since I have written to you. I know you are all well because I am a wonderful mother and have bust my behind all summer caring for you. School is starting soon and I could not be happier. I am looking forward to all three of you heading out for the day, leaving me alone to do as I please.
Summer is not over yet. In order to manage the final weeks, I have a few things that must be addressed if we are all to survive.
Remember darlings, I tell you for your own benefit. By expressing myself, my stress is reduced. A less stressed mother is a happy mother. She is also someone who yells considerably less.
Here are some suggestions I have for the rest of the summer.
If you need money to spend on an outing with friends, you must EARN the money or use your allowance. Your father and I do not run a bank. We do not have unlimited funds. You need to learn to control your spending or get off the couch to do work around the house.
If you need me to wipe your bottom after going number two, please call for help. Do not run around the house looking for me with a unwiped bottom. It is unsanitary. Remain in the bathroom or better yet, wipe your own bottom.
Please place all social events on the family calendar. This means any planned outings, birthday parties or get togethers. If something is not written on the calendar, I will likely make other plans. Plans that cannot be changed. You father and I have a life too. (a small one)
All fighting must be done in the garage. I know it is hot in there, but since you do not respond to my request to stop fighting I can only redirect it to an area where I do not have to hear it. I will provide water and a big fan, so you will not die of overheating.
Do not interrupt when I am talking on the phone. Unless there is blood involved or the dog has gotten loose, deal with it yourself. Running out of peanut butter is NEVER an emergency nor is someone eating the last popsicle.
Teenagers, turn off all media when speaking to me. Texting while talking is rude. Do one or the other. Same with being on the computer and watching TV. If your eyes are not looking at me as you speak, I will leave.
Do not stand in front of the refrigerator complaining there is nothing to eat. There is always food to eat. If by chance we are out of food, it is because you have eaten it all. Fruit and vegetables are edible, by the way.
Put away things when not in use. Do this one thing and you will see instant results. A calmer mother will appear magically from doing this one simple action.
There is more to say my darlings, but you are all awake now demanding breakfast.
I love you my daring boys. You bring so much joy to my life. You will bring even more joy if you follow all my recommendations. Let us all enjoy the rest of the summer in peace and harmony.
Your kind and loving Mother