Tags
book, Book series, Family, Game of Thrones, george r r martin, high school student, Parenting, Teenagers, Television program
Cover via Amazon
Several weeks ago, I went to my hairdresser to get my hair colored. I told her I was sending the big boys to her later that week for a haircut. The conversation went on discussing home repairs, hair issues and finally leading to books we were both reading. Turns out we both were reading Fifty Shades of Grey.
As the conversation went on, we discussed my children’s reading habits. In particular, she mentioned how surprised she was that my oldest son was allowed to read, Game of Thrones by George R. Martin. She has read the book.
“I was so surprised to hear he was reading the Game of Thrones books. Do you know what the books are about? They are very adult themed.” – Hairdresser
“Yes. I know now.” – Me
The truth was, I only recently found out what the books were about. As a matter of fact, I found out the night earlier at my son’s school exhibition.
The earlier night his language and humanities teacher came up to my husband and I to talk.
“Hello. I wanted to apologize to you both.” – Teacher
“Really, for what?” – Me
“For recommending the book, Games of Thrones to your son. I had no idea he would read the entire series so quickly. He finished all five books. I have not even read the fifth book.” – Teacher
“Oh, no problem. He loves the books. My sister has read them too. Sounds like a great book series.” – Me
“Have you read the books yourself?” – Teacher
“No. I do not like that type of books.” – Me
“Well. I want you to know I am so sorry. The books are well written, but I am not sure they were the best choice to recommend for a ninth grader.” – Teacher
My husband and I walked away feeling confused. I mentioned to my husband I would speak to my sister about the books. She had read them and could tell me what the deal was. I emailed my sister telling her about my son reading the books. Turns out, my sister was shocked. Shocked to hear my 15-year-old son had read the entire series and that a teacher would recommend them.
“ I can’t believe his teacher recommended to the class to read the Game of Thrones. There is SO much sex and violence in the books! I’ve never read anything like them. Not what I would think was appropriate for high school students, but what do I know. We have the first year on DVD so he can watch it when he’s here if you don’t mind. The series is really well done, but I can’t watch the violent scenes. Luckily I know the story so I know when to cover my eyes, since I can’t watch all that bloodshed. They do show the sex scenes too, so I don’t know if you would be comfortable with him seeing that even though he’s read it”
My sister is a very loving aunt and a powerhouse reader. Her response to my son reading Games of Thrones was surprising. My oldest son has read so many book series. He and my sister have spoken often about the books they have read. However, the concern and shock in her voice spoke volumes. The books were obviously not well suited.
In a wave of panic, I set to find out what the books were about. I came across a website that provided a review of the book, from a family perspective. I was horrified. The violence and sexual content were completely inappropriate. Suddenly, I felt a great sense of shame for not keeping closer tabs on the books my son was reading. I, the parent who did not allow my son to watch R rated films, had allowed my son the read an entire book series rated NC 17 or worse.
When my son had begun the book series, I asked him what they were about. I heard the television series was violent and wondered what the books were like. His response was they were like other books he had read. There was nothing for me to worry about. My oldest son is a wonderful boy. He makes good decisions and judgements. I trusted him 100%.
After conducting research about the books, I realized we dropped the ball. My husband and I did not once consider books something we should be screening our child for. We have worked so hard to make our children readers, we did not take into account that what they may be reading would be inappropriate.
The entire situation was bad. The teacher did not realize my son would plow through five books in three months. My son is extremely bright and a ferocious reader. The books are extremely complex and the average 9th grader would take 6 to 12 months to read one book. All books were finished by my son in record time. The teacher dropped the ball making a book series recommendation for my son’s age group of children. He also should have known how a boy would want to impress his teacher, by reading his recommendations.
When I later discussed the books with my son, after finding out the content, I asked why he had lied to me about how graphic the books were. He explained the books were interesting, compelling and a great challenge to read. Since he is such a powerful reader, he has a hard time finding books that are age appropriate and challenging. My son dropped the ball for putting his own desire to finish the series, instead of being honest to his parents.
However, in the big scheme of things, it is the parents that screwed up the most. My husband and I did not once check the books prior to him reading them. It did not cross my mind. I trusted the teacher’s recommendation and my son’s feedback completely. Looking back, I now know I should have read some reviews or talked with someone. I knew the books may be trouble, mainly because I had heard about the television show. I chose to believe what I wanted and not the reality. My husband I dropped the ball by not reviewing the books my son was reading and trusting others too much.
I have since spoken to several other parents, the teacher, my son, and read several other reviews of the books. Many feel the books are okay for a young teen to read. The stories are masterfully written. However, the issue is for me is that we all dropped the ball. Each party involved should have known and done better. It was a group screw up.
We all learned from the experience. Several people have expressed to me the teacher is to blame or maybe my son. However, in my opinion we are all responsible.
Next time we will all do things differently. We know the rules of the game now.
For me, I am holding on tighter these days. I do not want to drop the ball again.
Friends, I know many will find the content of these books alarming. I did too. The teacher in question is someone I admire greatly, despite his error in judgement. My son is also someone I admire. I share my story to explain how well meaning people, screw up. We all make mistakes. Learning from them is the key.
I haven’t read the books, so I don’t know how I’d feel as a parent (quite likely, from your description, the same as you), but your honesty is impressive. Thanks for sharing what you perceive as a parenting blunder with the world. It is so important to monitor what our kids see and read.
My close friends know I monitor what my kids are exposed to. We do not have cable TV for that very reason. Books were not closely supervised, sadly. We have changed our family policy on book selection.
Don’t come down too hard on yourself.
Not to worry. This all happened a while ago and we have all recovered well.
Nate, we had a Game of Thrones drama at our house too. My 15-year-old son is an enormous fantasy lit fan, as am I. I had read the books as they came out over the last 7 years or so. He asked if he could read them, and I said “NO NO NO NO NO.” Totally inappropriate content, in my opinion, for my son (he has read the Lord of the Rings trilogy so many times [including the appendices] that we have had to explain to him more than once that it is not acceptable to sign his school papers with his name written in High Elvish). My conflict is that the books are really, really well written. As one who has read lots of fantasy lit, I think they are the best since JRR Tolkein — accessible, great story lines, great dialogue, interesting characters . . . (Caveat: the later books I think are mired in plodding story lines and have somewhat lost the crispness of the earlier ones, but I digress). Anyway, because he knew I thought they were well-written, and because his friends at school said they were great, he checked them out of the school library and read them while at school. One of his teachers sent an email to complain that he was reading in class when he should have been paying attention, and when I asked what he was reading, it all became clear. He had read nearly the entire series before I knew he was reading them behind my back.
Now that he has read them, we have discussed whether he thought they were appropriate, and he says he thinks I was right to prohibit him from reading them. We devised some punishment that involved loss of computer/xBox time, but the genie is out of the bottle. While he may have learned that maybe his mother is right about some things, I was sad and disappointed to learn the lengths to which my son would go to disobey me. I bought the HBO series and I am thoroughly enjoying it, but when I asked my son if he thought he would like to watch it (I would not have allowed it, but wanted to see what he said), he said “No, it’s one thing to read about it, but watching it makes it much more immediate and ‘real,’ and I don’t think it is appropriate for me to see those things.”
I guess we’re both older and wiser now, but not happily so (at least in my case).
Anne, what a great response. I am a bit relieved to know someone other than my husband and I have dealt with this issue. I am sad to hear your son, as well as mine, would allow their own desires take place ahead of their good judgement. I know the books are incredibly well written. It is why the teacher recommended them. However, he made the recommendation after reading only the first book.
While I’m sorry for the situation that you went through with all of this, I think it’s so important for parents to talk about and admit their parenting mistakes! Sometimes it’s something that others have done, or maybe a heads-up so that others don’t make the same mistake with our own children! A lot of being a mom comes from instinct, and it sounds like you have a great, trusting relationship with your son, so your instinct said to trust his judgement! You made the best of a bad situation, so I think that’s a great job in parenting. Admitting that you dropped the ball also shows your son that nobody is perfect, but that making mistakes encourages you to learn and make changes. Good job, mom, and thanks for sharing the story!
Admitting when we make errors is never easy, but admitting to making an error as a parent is extremely hard. I like your observation about my parenting style of being instinct based. I do rely heavily on my instincts. However, when it comes to parenting insticts are not fool proof. Thank you for your comment.
Extremely interesting post. I know it must be difficult for parents to decide how much censorship to apply. My impression, though, as a non-parent, is that through your blog, I have the feeling that your son is a good kid. I remember sneaking adult books because of curiosity and a desire to be grown up (“Catcher in the Rye” way back then). It didn’t ruin me and it won’t ruin him. If he’s a good kid he can read “bad” stuff and still stay a good kid. (For example, you are reading “Fifty Shades of Grey” and I don’t think you will start a porn blog.
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I hear what you are saying,Nancy. After my son read the books, he is still the same wonderful boy. However, there was not a need for him to read these books at such a young age. A want, but not a need. My approach with my kids is developmental. I try to make sure they are ready developmentally before exposing them. I should have been more aware of what the books were about. By the way, are there ‘porn’ blogs?
If you have to ask – you’re probably ‘not ready.’ (and good point about your kid… I’m glad sometimes I’m not a parent!)
I remember getting “Valley of the Dolls” at the library (and if you reread it now it is TAME) and my best friend’s dad found us reading it while we were camping and threw it in the bonfire.
I think you do a misservice to millions of teens saying it would take them 6 -12 months to read a book – don’t believe that is true and don’t think a teen would spend a year on one book. Harry Potter, Breaking Dawn and maybe even this series has done a lot to make reading cool. I read three or four books a week and passed that love on to my son and think it fantastic kids are reading again. I thnk it is wise to always monitor kids but he’ll be ok – he has two fantastic, involved and caring parents
The quote saying ‘it would take an average teen 6 – 12 months’ comes from my son’s teacher. These books are very unique and extremely complex. The material is very graphic, more so than any other book I have read. I think Old Boy will survive just fine. However, this may not be the case for every 15 year old. He loves books nothing will change that, but I will make sure I at least crack open the book he is reading. I do that with all movies he watches. Books should be included too.