Yesterday, I was browsing on my computer when I came across something. I found out a friend of mine is employed. She had been a full-time at home parent, like myself and now is back in the workforce. I was surprised because she told me she planned to stay home with her son, until he headed off to elementary school.
People change their minds, but this friend returning to work was really a surprise. She had difficulty getting pregnant, Now, after a few years of being home, she was back to work.
Women often say they would love to not have to work, but the truth is more and women are seeking out employment, even if it is not needed for financial reasons.
Years ago, I brought a meal to a new mom, after the birth of her baby. When I asked her when she planned to return to work, she mentioned in eight weeks. I was surprised at her answer. She mentioned she wanted to get back to work because it was what she was ‘good’ at. She missed her work friends, talking with other adults and using her talents.
The new mom did not need to return to work. Her husband worked and provided well for the family. She clearly wanted to work for her personal reasons. The benefits of working outside the home, far outweighed the benefits of staying home to care for her infant.
Finding out my friend had returned to work, reminded me of the new mom. My friend clearly wanted to work. I understand her thinking. The difference between us is I want to stay home with my little son, more than my desire to work. I would miss him terribly. I have yet to find a job that would fulfil me as much, as being home with him.
Trends show fewer and fewer women will be staying home full-time, to care for their children in the future. As a matter of fact, I heard on the radio yesterday, women are slated to soon surpass men in becoming the main breadwinners for their family. All of this information got me thinking of my question of the day.
Is full-time motherhood a thing of the past?
My career choice, to stay home, is not for everyone. Most people I meet tell me they could never do it. All my close friends, who are mothers, work at least part-time. The main reason is financial, but also because full-time parenting is no longer fulfilling enough for women. Women want to contribute in ways other than child rearing.
Growing up, my mother was one of only a handful of neighbor moms who worked outside the home. She did not want work, but when my parents divorced she had no choice. I was always envious of my friend’s moms who were always home for them. I knew before I had my first child, I would stay home after the baby arrived. What I did not know was how long I would do it for.
Full-time motherhood is my greatest joy and my greatest challenge. I feel tremendous pressure to be doing more than ‘just be home’ for the family. So many women work, volunteer and raise wonderful children. I value what I do, but many do what I do and so much more.
So to answer the question, ‘Is full-time motherhood a thing of the past?”, the answer is no. The reason is, people will continue to make their own choices about raising a family. Some moms will follow their hearts, not trends. There will never be a ‘right’ way to raise a child, only a way that works best for each family. Hopefully, we will all learn to respect each other’s choices for child rearing and support it.
Do I feel like a dinosaur on the verge of extinction, working in a career less and less women are chosing? Sure, but as long as full-time motherhood is valued, someone will still want to do it.
Besides, rumor has it dinosaurs still roam the Earth. At least, that is what I am hoping.
Big and emotional topic. I enjoyed your post.
Thanks Maria. Few topics are more dear to my heart, then being a full-time home parent.
I think there will always be mothers who want to and choose to stay home; and there will probably always be mothers who want to and choose not to. I agree with you, there isn’t a right/wrong choice and we need to be more concious about supporting those choices instead of judging them.
I will admit being non-judgemental has not always been easy for me. I am better now, then I was years ago. I still hope more parents will consider staying home longer, for their children’s sake.
I don’t think it’s a thing of the past. In fact, it has been my experience that more & more women in my circles are choosing to stay home once they have children. Not all, but the majority. Makes me wonder who the market researchers are surveying, when they come up with that kind of data. Further, I have seen a number of moms go back to work, realize they would rather be home, and quit their jobs.
All this to say that I think that by and large statistics suggesting a trend back into the workforce are misleading. Women do what they want or need to do to make their family lives work, and that’s the thing that is most important.
I agree many women do chose to stay home with their children, but not for long. Even the ones who are home full-time work from home, start a business or volunteer endlessly. Being home full-time, to care for children as a chosen career choice, is something I personally am seeing less of.
Well, you may be right on that. I didn’t take into consideration those who choose to work at home.
I was a young mother and I always felt like I needed to go back to school to earn a degree to have a career. I worked off and on for 16 years and then I went back to work, age 37, so my husband could go back to school full-time. After Dennis finished school I went back to school part-time and worked full-time during my children’s teenage years. It was difficult for me, my children, and my husband. Life was definitely a roller coaster ride. Being a full-time mom is the hardest job ever, and I commend you for doing that Nancy. The best answer is doing what you feel is most important and for some it’s having a career. In my day when I was staying home there were a lot of mothers staying home so I had friends and neighbors that I could be compatible with. Now that I am retired, I don’t miss work at all. However because of my career I was able to retire and that is what my job allowed me to do. A job will control your whole life and you always half to work around it. That is not healthy for anyone.
Carolyn, thank you for sharing your story. I sometimes wonder if I missed out, on not being in the working world all these years. However, I feel I would have missed my boys even more. Making tough choices, goes with parenting.
I used to be a marketing director and had the idea that I would have children when I could afford a nanny. I was good at what I did, I like wearing suits everyday, being smart. Then I had my first daughter and suddenly I couldn’t leave her. Oh, I still desperately wanted to go back but…”I can’t leave her” is what ultimately kept me home. It was soooo hard until it wasn’t but that took about 4 years. Even then I have been a photographer, volunteer, worked 2 days per week and have done some consulting. Now I can’t imagine being gone all day and not holding my 3 girls in my heart and brain 24/7. I just wrote about this yesterday…
I have been a full-time parent for 16 years. Best choice of my life and yet I still struggle. Thank you for sharing your story.
when you indicate that its an individuals choice of person and circumstance, you are very correct in this indication–however there are often so many other factors to the decision beyond finances, dream fulfillement, and the perceived value of parenthood. When i had my first child, i had been married 5 years, and then i was fortunate enough to have two more children five and ten years later. While my dedication to and involvement with my children continued to grow, the financial stability our homelife grew as well. i could have chosen to make a few adjustments and remain home, however looking back upon it, im very happy that i never fully felt comfortable with this idea. my marital situation increasingly grew abusive and negative, and should i have chosen to focus exclusively upon my children during that time, i am certain that my parentling skills would have ultimately suffered. also significant is the sanity that working gave me in its consistency, its stability, and its diversion. Years later, when i was able to face the true situation of my marital relationship, i know that being employed–and being actively employable– provided me with the tools and self confidence needed to start a new life when there was no other source providing that dynamic for me. I know that i was a better mom working at that time than i would have been if i had chosen to remain at home. Its not been an easy life, the path of working and raising three children, often alone–however, its one that is no longer the negative setting it had been years eariler. Currently, im happily married to a wonderful man, and this lesson was burned deep into my soul–because i dont think anyone could ever talk me into staying home again. They are my identifications, my scars, and yet they affect my parenting choices for my children. Life is complicated, and i think that we do the best we can with the scenarios we are given– the lingering scars, the precious memories, and the frame of reference that defines us. Years into the future, we can hope that our choices, and the home/ stability we worked to create, will contribute positively to our own children’s frame of reference in a manner that further builds upon those of our grandchildren
As I read your response Clara, I was reminded of a conversation my mother had with me prior to having children. My mother, told me never to stay out of the workforce completely. Her experience of not being in the workforce when my father left, made her transistion back to work very hard. Scars to have an impact on decisions to be home full-time or not.
ive thought often about your mom, and looking back, recognize what an amazingly strong woman she was.
Mom was indeed a very strong person. You remind me of her in many ways, Clara.
I work full time because I have to.. I consider myself a full time mom as well. My husband and I worked opposite shifts– him 1st and me 3rd so that one of us would always be home. 13 years of glorious hell but we have 2 amazing daughters. They are teenagers now– it is hard to still juggle and stressful.
I have a friend who has a very similar arrangement with her three children. Your senerio, to always have a parent present, is one I admire greatly. It is also not without a great sacrifice to your marriage, Your amazing daughters have benefited from your choice.
no sacrifice to my marriage.. it was tough going but we are stronger for it. Thank you
I am glad to hear the marriage was not compromised. Another sign, you and your husband are doing good job of making it work.
I have an additional comment for today’s blog. A child should, but do not often get, a choice is how they would like to be raised. I hope when parents are making family decisions, they keep the child’s perspective in mind.
thats interesting–i remember a friend from childhood whose parents let her choose the color of her bedroom carpet when she was in 1-2 grade. she chose a polkadotted pink, yellow and purple pattern appropriate for her age. years later when she requested a more age appropriate pattern, her parents indicated that she had already made her choice on her carpet when she was young–and that she would be living with her choice until the carpet needed replacement by being worn out. i can recall that she was not delighted with her parents method of parenting:)
Love this story, Clara. It proves there is no right way to do parenting, only the way that works best for each individual family. Your friend’s parents were tough cookies.
I loved staying home with my kids–a choice mothers in circumstances different than ours can’t always make. We had to cut corners, but I think it was worth it. Maybe my kids would disagree
)
We have cut corners too. I think it is worth it, but you are right…the kids may disagree.