Shame – A painful emotion caused by a strong sence of guilt, embarrassment,

A while ago, I was asked by a parent to help on a school project.  I was reluctant, because it was not my area of expertise.  I told her I didn’t think it was a good idea.  The parent assured me that it would be ‘easy’ task and she really needed my help.  She provided the instructions and sent me on my way.

As I started the task, I realized I was in trouble.  I could not do it.  Looking back, I should have stopped and returned the project back to the parent.  But I didn’t.  I wanted to prove to her and to me, I was capable of doing something difficult.  My pride kept me moving forward, knowing darn well I was creating a piece of junk.

Half way through the project I became ill.  Instead of taking the time to rest and get better, I kept working.  I did not ask for help.  I did not call the parent to tell her of my illness.  I just kept working and working, until at last it was complete.

I will admit I felt pretty darn smug, because I had completed the difficult project and did it while I was sick.  Yes, I was confident I would be nominated for “Super Parent of the Year”.  The entire thing looked terrible, but who cared?  I did what was asked and now my part was over.

When I brought the parent the project she was grateful.  I felt good and went about my way.  A few days later I got an email from her saying she wanted to meet with me.  When I met with her, she informed me she had re-done the entire project.  She claimed there were too many errors and it needed to done correctly.  She showed me the re-done project looking flawless.  My heart sank.

My emotions overtook any sense of reason.  I was insulted to see my work had been re-done.  Sure my project was horrible, but still.  I could not believe she did not even call to tell me what she planned to do.  I worked hard on the stupid thing and now it meant nothing.

With anger in my voice I launched into a loud rant.  I told her in many words, that I did my very best on the project.  I informed her I didn’t want to do the project in the first place and she should have never asked me.   With my voice shaking, I explained to her I have three children, no housekeeper, no gardener and no relatives who live near by help out.  I  yelled, “I did the project without any help from anyone!”

The parent listened to my rant and told me it was unfortunate, but the project I had done was not good enough.  She was calm, talking to me in her best mother voice.  The calmer she spoke the more crazy I sounded.  Suddenly, I realized I had blown it.  My reputation as the ‘funny, helpful, kind school parent’ gone.

Realizing what I had done, I ended the conversation.  I ran out of school as quickly as possible, not saying goodbye to anyone.  Shame filled my head.  I thought of all the things I should have done differently.

I should have said no at the beginning.  I knew I could not do what was asked of me.  I should have informed the parent things were not working.  I should have told her I was ill. But most of all, I should have controlled my tongue and spoke with her privately to express my disappointment.

You may think I was too hard on myself, but you did not hear me yelling.  I give myself some slack because I was ill, but overall it was a low point in my school parent career.

Thank goodness I read a wonderful book, The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown, and learned shame ”can’t survive being shared.”  I needed support.    The last thing I needed was a pity party, lecture or someone telling me it was not a big deal.  It was a BIG deal.  I had always prided myself on being the calm parent and now the entire school would know it was a sham!

I ended up calling another school parent.  She was kind and non-judgemental.  She did not try to fix me or the situation.  She listened to me and shared her similar humiliating experience.

After talking with my friend, I was able to take a deep breath.  I realized I would be okay.  It was not the end of the world and I may have over reacted, but everyone does sometimes.  My feelings of shame lessened.

I realized that when I am filled with great embarrassment, I need support.  It would have been easy for my friend to have said, ” Why are you making such a big deal out of this?”, but she didn’t.  She just listened.

A while later, I summoned up the courage to apologize to the parent.  It was hard, but I felt better.  She did not exactly apologize to me, but it didn’t matter.  I had moved on.  I was able to accept her imperfections, just as someone was able to accept mine.  And that is what being human is all about.