I read once bloggers are not supposed to announce if it’s been a while since they have written a blog. Maybe that is good advice for some, but I have chosen not to follow it. I haven’t written a blog for almost two weeks. Prior to that my blog posts have been sporadic.
I have been busy. Not as busy as most of you, but busy for me. More importantly I have not had the stamina to focus on writing. Writing a blog doesn’t come as easily for me as for some. In order to write I need a vision of what I want to say prior to sitting down at the computer. My head has been filled with so much crap these days I couldn’t seem to get a blog post written.
I am at a crossroad personally. I’m struggling. I’m getting ready to head back to work. I have written a résumé, completed a profile on LinkedIn and have searched for jobs. I also registered for school in the fall and have scheduled meetings about volunteer work and career advice. I’m trying to make something happen for me career wise.
Despite all my efforts I still don’t have a vision of what I would like to do. I have chosen to re-enter my previous career working as an educator with young children. But to be honest I’m not sure what that means.
The immature side of me is still hoping a new career/job will fall in my lap. It will have all the things I hope for: challenging/meaningful work, great pay, flexibility, and personal enjoyment. Each time I think I have it figured out what I would like to do my head gets filled with analytical garbage. I analyze my situation over and over often until I talk myself out of things.
I want to work. I want to be available for the boys. The big boys can handle things on their own. The little boy can’t. Having teenagers who are in high school and a little child in first grade is proving to be challenging. Most of my friends are in the final stages of having children live at home. I, however, have twelve more years until the little guy heads out into the world. Twelve. More. Years.
I would like my little son to have the same at-home experience my older boys have had, but I also realize the expenses for running our family are increasing. We struggle more and more each month to make ends meet. If I were to find work outside the home financially we would benefit. But how would if affect the family, my marriage and the kids? Although I could find a job just to make money I would like to my work to be doing something I have passion for, not just earn a paycheck. And so my analytical brain thinks…over and over and over.
For now I will keep moving forward with the goals and plans I have set for myself. My hope is something will happen to lead me in a new direction and answer my questions.
One day, I can’t predict when, my answers will seem totally right. It doesn’t mean everything will be perfect. It means my true self has been found.